Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
