i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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