I puked a lego.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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