I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
