And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize