oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
