hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
