just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think my moral compass just broke
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
