This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
