Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
