My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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