Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
