I am spending my child support on dildos
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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