1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
