I'm lost and stupid without you.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
