Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
