he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
