It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
