Betty ford says i'm here all night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
its not stalking. its research.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
