I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
