I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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