I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
handjob tips. give me some.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
