Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
