I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
