i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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