So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I lost the right to judge tonight
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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