totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
