Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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