we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
