He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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