i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
