I think im going to throw up on grandma
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
