I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
