If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
