Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
