I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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