peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
