The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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