Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize