It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize