Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
