She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
