theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
