god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
