If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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