Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
