where am i from again
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
