She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
