I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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