There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Couch. On fire.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
