i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
