my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
