Well apparently he's into motor boating.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize