He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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