you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
