I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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