All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she told me i tasted like america
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
